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New Rules

Friday, July 18, 2008

Rule #36

Conservatively I would estimate that 85% of the time you are served "we brew our own" fancy iced tea in New York Restaurants and its unsweetened, ask for simple syrup and you get stares like you just arrived at Ellis Island in 1901.

Thus Rule #36.

Sugar does not dissolve in liquids with ice cubes in it.
It is called "SIMPLE" syrup.
Trust me, it's easy to make.
You don't even need a Baume Scale however if you are OCD and into specific gravity of your iced tea, our friends at Cole-Palmer can sell you a hydrometer by clicking HERE .

SIMPLE SYRUP @ 28 Baume degrees.

2 Cups or more exactly 480 ml of water.
1 Pound or more exactly 455grams of sugar.

Warm together till sugar dissolves.
Cool and refrigerate.
How hard is that.

Wednesday, July 02, 2008

Rule #35

Stacking 4 or 6 layers of tomatoes and mozzarella does not make a "Napoleon".

Its just tomatoes and effing mozzarella.

There is a reason the Frenchies call it Millefeuille.

Speaking of Napoleons:
Subsection 1 of rule 35:
Napolean is not a culinary term, I guess that's a very thin short person with dictatorial issues ?

Thursday, June 19, 2008

Rule #34 Eat me raw.

The "creative" use culinary terminology being stretched into absurdity needs to stop.
Case and point "Tomato-Tartare".

They are just diced "effing" tomatoes.
There is nothing "tartared" about them and that goes for the cauliflower "tartare" I encountered yesterday too.
Tartare requires raw proteins/seafood.

But wait a minute, since we can have salads without any actual vegetables, maybe we can have "tartares" without meat or fish no ?

Friday, June 06, 2008

Rule #33

"Seasoned" and "Salty" do not mean the same thing.

Just because you "don't like salty food" which virtually nobody does is not a legitimate reason to eat tasteless food.

New York UES 6.06.08.

Monday, May 12, 2008

Rule #32

Rule  #32 occurred this afternoon at a catering job.

A little background, as a terorrised comis back in the day, I have always been steadfastly against the assholleric communication style in French kitchens and egomaniacal American kitchens that I swore if I was ever in charge anywhere, I would not insult anyone. The truth is nobody has ever done anything better or properly by being diminished as a human being so I watch my language in the heat of battle. However some offenses are so egregious that language is the second casualty.

Rule #32.

It is OK to say  occasionally                         "Dude, WTF are you doing ?"


The reason : I told an unnamed culinary school graduate to separate lobsters and chop up the bodies for shellfish jus. He chopped up the tails an proceeds to argue with me that the tails were the bodies and the bodies were the heads. WTF are they teaching at cooking schools these days.

Friday, May 02, 2008

Rule #31

"Truffled" is not an adjective.

You can add truffles to something.
You can even add truffle juice.
Hopefully not truffle oil.

But you cannot "truffle" something.

Monday, April 14, 2008

Rule #30

Rule #30

You are not Thomas Keller.

If I see one more person use cute menu language like "Liver and Onions", "Meat and Potatoes", "Lobster Roll" a-la Laundry cookbook to describe far more contemporary and complicated dishes, I think I am going to have to gag.
Remember that famous VP debate between Lloyd Bentsen and Dan Quayle back in the day ?

"I knew Mr keller, I ate Mr Keller's food, you sir are no Thomas Keller".


and while we are at it, don't do the Trotter "Studies" of food either.

Rule #29

As you well know if you have been reading between the lines, I strongly make an association between music and food in terms of composition and execution.
If music has taught us anything, "updated classics" usually turn out to be a bad idea.
I had a not so good dinner this weekend with Xanthan gum in the creamed spinach that looked like a baby was burped into  Limoges china.
No bueno.

Switched on classics indeed.

Wednesday, February 06, 2008

Rule #28

It is OK to take Italian food out of Italy.
It is not  OK to take Italy out of Italian food.

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Rule #27

If you choose to use the word "Crispy" on your menu, understand that it is an adjective that your customers will pay attention to.

Wednesday, January 02, 2008

Rule #26 coming fast and furious

When playing music in your restaurant, it is much more preferable that the genre of said music be directed towards the preferences of the patrons and not the employees.
Thank you.


Klipsch

Rule #25

When you use the word "Nage" on your menu, if at all possible, it would be great if the viscosity of said liquid be very similar to H20.

A Nage is NOT a Bisque.

Wednesday, December 05, 2007

Rule #24

No more shrimp in martini glasses......please ?
No really...please ?

Monday, November 26, 2007

Rule #23

Time and Sugar changes everything.

Saturday, November 24, 2007

Rule #22

Which brings us to rule #22

If you can't believe it's not butter, just don't buy it.
It's garbage.

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Rule #21

When cooking, If all else fails simply add   Benton's Bacon.

Bentons

Monday, November 12, 2007

Rule #20

Buying canned nut oils is like putting your money in a paper shredder.
Glass bottles please !

Thursday, November 08, 2007

Rule #19

This one is easy ! Truffle honey..... No bueno!

Tuesday, November 06, 2007

Rule #18

Rule #18 spontaneously appeared over a passionate discussion on brining and pickling.

TIME and SUGAR changes everything.

I say a little salt isnt so bad either.

Sunday, November 04, 2007

Rule #17

Uncertainty will be embraced as an essential component of future experiences.
In the willingness to accept uncertainty, solutions will spontaneously emerge out of current problems, confusion, disorder and chaos.
Cooking is easy.
It's managing people that's a bitch.

Adapted from Deepak Chopra.

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Rule #16

Not everything that counts can be counted.
Not everything that can be counted counts.

A lesson that I am learning currently in all facets of life.
As it applies to food, obviously quantity does not equal quality but that is the society we have become.
Flavor and the ability to season food properly, I  firmly agree with Daniel Boulud is an intangible attribute that you are most likely born with. No matter how much you are willing to learn, you will never do as well as those who are born with it. It is was seperates very solid competent cooks from those who create true deliciousness on a daily basis with the same ease that Lance Armstrong or Miguel Indurain rode up alpe d'huez and simply blowing everyone else away.

Not everything that counts can be counted.
Not everything that can be counted counts.

Monday, October 22, 2007

Rule #15

Unless you are a pastry chef , you cannot have your cake and eat it too.

Tuesday, October 09, 2007

Rule #14

Now that winter is coming, we will accept the comfort foods we should not change (cassoulet), have the courage to change the ones we should (Braised short ribs) and have the wisdom to know the difference.
Agreed ?

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Rule #13

There is no need to put rice in your salt shakers.
Free flowing salt already has a ton of additives to make it flow.
You might want to dry all moisture before filling it with salt.
Better yet salt mills or read the post below.

Thursday, September 06, 2007

Rule #12 The importance of words.

An epiphany.

It is now exactly 6.02AM EST.
I just woke up from a dream that prompted this post.
One of the most important aspects of communication and leadership is the importance of words, words are powerful beyond thier definitions. As words stay with you, you process and seek the true meaning and message in the bottle.

In the restaurant business and perhaps other aspects of life, there is a history of what I consider an ineffective style of leadership.
Chefs and leaders in general who yell to a communicate instructions and displeasure.
Screaming achieves nothing, emotion is good without which there will be no passion.

In many ways there is even a greater danger of allowing this behavior to come into your personal life.
In times of displeasure and disappointment, I have always felt that one needs to stop momentarily, think and assess the situation before an emotional outburst.

Screaming and yelling achieves very little but to communicate fear, fear is never the basis of true learning, focus or understanding. We all have in many ways in both our professional and personal lives been guilty of emotional outbursts. Emotional outbursts are not limited to verbal exchanges, the written word in many cases can be stronger than the spoken one but at the end of the day, memory and reference will do the same damage. That damage is that those on the other side of your words internalise the wrong message.

It is important to communicate displeasure in the interest of honesty and expectations, it is equally important to do it in a respectful pragmatic way. Despite how wronged we may feel in our personal lives or what actions we are trying to discourage, it is clearly easier to hold people's hands and bring them with you as opposed to push them.

Stop and think about what you are ultimately trying to achieve, the easiest point from A to Z is a straight line. A straight line has no diversions.
Screaming, yelling, insults and a lack of protocol even if justified by bad or incompetent behavior are all diversions.

In times of good behavior, be generous with your praise, in times of bad behavior be restrained and honest with your criticism. It's might be OK to yell at people, it's definitely not OK to yell at a person in front of other people. Scorched earth policies rarely result in anyone rising from the ashes. After you do express your displeasure, it is wise to deal with it and move on, continous references to bad behavior is a diversion. Diversions do not allow growth. Forgiveness allows growth.

In many ways I myself have been guilty of this in the past both professionally and privately. I grew up in the "oui chef" generation and it will end today.

At the end of the day, in every argument or negative exchange, even if one person is clearly wrong, two people are definitely not listening to each other.

That is the challenge we face as leaders, friends, lovers and members of society.

Rule #12.
Stop, think, pay attention to your words.

Sunday, August 26, 2007

Rule #11

"Open Raviolis" are like "Open Relationships"
They are not relationships (or "raviolis")  and at the end of the day, despite  the best intentions and pedigrees of all parties involved the end results are always a tangled mess.

Monday, August 20, 2007

Rule #10

Can we agree that if the word "Trattoria" in your restaurant's signage is a wavy red neon font, you are in fact not a "Trattoria" ?
All in agreement say aye !

Saturday, August 18, 2007

Rule #9.

"Remember why you wanted to be a cook in the first place"

Hopefully it was for the right reasons.

Was it to cook delicious food or make olive oil powder ?
I wanted to be a cook after I read Marco, although some of the food may seem dated today, the solid techniques and MPW quotes make it well worth it. Besides now that it is out of print those of us who kept our original copies should know they are worth well over 200 quid.
I love to cook for my ego but I feed those dishes to myself.
I know when I have failed.
That is when I have to give you sequential consumption instructions.
If you find this "preachy", remember it's just an opinion.
Opinions are meaningless unless I am paying your bills.

Marco

Thursday, August 16, 2007

Rule #8 quotable quotes.

You can not quote things on your menu that are exactly what they should in fact be.

For whatever reason you make a caesar salad and add lobster, what's the point of saying :

Lobster "Caesar Salad".

Subsection 1.
You cannot use quotation marks to embellish unused products to add a value index, it's borderline shady.

Summer Hierloom Tomato Salad with Lobster "Mitts".
When did lobsters start playing baseball ?
They are claws, claw meat.

Rule #7

PESTO and BASIL OIL are *NOT* the same thing.

Basil oil should be a clear infusion as should most other herb oil extractions redolent of the operative herb.
Here are a few tips.
Use a lot of the herb.
Blanch and refresh in an ice/water bath.
Dry.
Blend with grapeseed oil.
Strain through a kitchen cotton napkin.
Freeze for about 3 hours.
Seperate any residual water from the actual oil.

It is possible to get much more frangrant and color correct oils by using a blender with a metal body and/or high speed such as a thermonix. The body of the blending vessel is frozen for at least 2 hrs so that any heat generated during the blending process dissipates into the blender body as opposed to heating up the oil. It tends to result in "side by side" comparison, a more fragrant, color correct oil with secondary use color stability.

Secondary use color stability sounds like Pentagon BS, I simply mean green mayo.

Basil oil made this way simply used to make a vinaigrette seems not to suffer from the effect of green chlorophyll being affected by acid.

Monday, August 13, 2007

Rule #6

The comittee has decided that further use of the word "Farrotto" shall cease henceforth.
Any other embellishments of the word "risotto" applied to any other grains but rice will also not be allowed.
Barley Risotto is not risotto, it's cooked barley.
Perhaps a pilaf but definitely not risotto.
What's next ?

Spelotto for wheatberries ?
Fregotto in Sardinia ?
Nope.
Fregola Sarda will do just fine.
It is perfectly Ok to cook other things with voluminous sequential additions of liquids but saying "I made risotto and there is no rice in it" is like saying I am a devoted christian but I dont believe in god.

Monday, August 06, 2007

Rule #5

We can no longer make French words even more pretentious than they sound already.

While enjoying a Thai beef salad this weekend, I ordered a lambic to wash it down and said to the bartender, "may I have a Lindemans Framboise"

"FramBWAAZ" phonetically.

The bartender looked back at me and said "you mean a FRAMBWAA" ?, coming right up.

Drumroll..............!

While we are on the subject, the board also decided in subsection 1 of rule 5 that we may no longer add French inflections to words that are not French at all such as "Meritage".

Tuesday, July 31, 2007

New Rule #4

The rules are apparently a hit since I am getting tons of e-mails.
To those who have written, I appreciate your responses but please post them in the comments, they are downright hilarious.

Moving on.........New Rule #4.

You may no longer critisize the flavor of anyone's cooking if you are a chain smoker.

Say What ?
After 14 cigarettes before noon you think the mornay in my croque madame needs more nutmeg ?

Monday, July 30, 2007

Rule #3

Rule #3.

We should not combine fish soups from different parts of the world into some perception of creativity, all we end up doing is ruining both soups. Let each stand on it's own and make it properly. Dont get me wrong, I strongly encourage creativity but a "Thai bouillabaisse " is just a crock of something else I cant say here.
Tom gai kha, Tom yum goong and Bouillabaisse are all perfectly good soups, if at all possible can we not combine them ?
Please......no really   please ?

New Rule #2.

Romaine

Rule #2.
"We have come to bury Caesar not praise him".

What is up with all the restaurants putting Caesar salads on thier menu's and calling it anything but a Caesar salad ?
Some of the names are so cryptic and downright hilarious like the public are just dummies.
With all the market vegetables out there for fabulous salads, if you are going to put a caesar salad on your menu, just call it that, dont try to fool anyone with silly menu descriptions like

"Tender hearts of romaine with toasted garlic-brioche croutons and a coddled egg-lemon scented anchovy vinaigrette"
Puh-leasssse !
Dont get me wrong, I love Caesar but I care much more about Rome.

New Rule #1.

I have started this  category called "New Rules" as a tangent to the "Rant" category.
"New Rules" will seek to eliminate widely accepted bad behaviour in food and beverage.
Feel free to disagree with the rules, thery are meant to encourage conversations.

New Rule # 1.

From today henceforth, nobody is allowed to say "EXpresso".
Italian coffee is "ESpresso".
Slow down, practice and say is slowly.
Essssss-presso like esssss-sential or esssss-say or esssssss-timate.

Also try as much as possible if you are opening a multi-million dollar coffee and pastry shop   in Ceasar's Palace Las Vegas and your coffee machine is being delivered late not to make statements on national TV interviews like "we have been in business for over 70 years, we are the oldest EXpresso shop in New York City, there is no way we are going to open without EXpresso and cannoli.
Thank you for your attention.

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